FateStay Kitchen
by Frantic Author
Summary: This line can sum up the entire thing. "Explosion exploded all around Shirou, like he was the center piece of an explodatorium, and he looked at Saber seriously."   It just gets worse from there.
1. Tengen Faita Gay Bulgen

_I am the rad of my explosion.  
>Swag is my Body and Awesome is my Blood.<br>I have exploded over a thousand Things,  
>Unknown to Lame,<br>Nor known to Shit.  
>Have withstood Fail to explode many losers<br>Yet those Explosions will never not be Cool.  
>So, Explosion Explosion,<br>UNLIMITED EXPLOSION WORKS_

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><p><strong>WARNING: THIS IS CRACK OF THE HIGHEST CALIBUR(N). Seriously. This is the crackiest thing I have ever written ever, and it is also the most amazing thing I will ever write. Nothing can possibly surpass it.<strong>

**I give you**

**FATE/STAY KITCHEN**

"What? How are you an Archer if you use _swords_?"

Lancer jumps backwards, and sighs. "Ugh... I didn't want to go all out..."

He readies his lance. The world goes cold.

And then the world explodes.

Lancer turns left and right, anger in his eyes. "Wh-wh-what! What happened! Who broke my Noble Phantasm!"

His eyes focus on a boy. A boy standing in the back, surrounded by bitches. High quality bitches too - not those shabby streetwalkers you see around low quality men. This boy was that cool. He had on a pair of sunglasses, and looked a bit annoyed.

"Fuck. I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off." He's holding a sandwich, which he takes a bite of, then tosses it behind him. The sandwich explodes, a shower of sparks raining down around the boy like some sort of awesome set of fire wings or some shit. Lancer feels both confused and strangely aroused by the boy in front of him. His eyes widen as he feels a twitch inside his spear, and begins rushing towards the boy.

"No! I can't stop my Gay Bulge!" Lancer closes his eyes, not wanting to watch the death of the coolest motherfucker this side of West Side. But he peeks - because his death will be _the most fucking awesome thing of all time ever._

But the boy just stands there, and then he takes off his sunglasses. His bitches pout, and explode, outlining his explosion filled eyes with more explosions, as he stands in the middle of them, like a explodafessor, teaching his watchers about explosions. He grins, shouting,

"LET'S DO THIS!"

The boy rushes Lancer, whose Gay Bulge stiffens, and rushes him.

"EMIYA SHIROU DOES NOT BACK DOWN!"

"Wait, _you're _Emiya Shi-" Lancer doesn't have time to finish his sentence. His face is punched, and he goes _flying _hundreds of feet backwards, unable to resist the punch of Emiya Shirou.

"J-just... Who... the hell... do you think... you are?"

Emiya Shirou stands over Lancer, and his eyes explode again, as he reaches his hand up, and points to the explosion in the sky.

"Don't you know Lancer? All the lights in the sky..." His exploding eyes are visible, even through his dark sunglasses, and a visceral grin covers his face as he clenches his hand into fist.

"ARE EXPLOSIONS!"

Shirou brings his fist down, and Lancer coughs, unable to hold it back as Shirou punches him in the bulge.

"Damn! M-m-my... Bulge... My only weakness..."

Shirou turns around, and begins to walk away, taking off his shades and closing his eyes, the last wisps of smoke falling from them as he does so. "Finishing Move."

Lancer looks at him, confused. "What? You just turned arou-"

And then Lancer exploded, a massive blue flare ripping out of him and going straight into Emiya Shirou. Emiya Shirou GRIT THOSE TEETH, and let the energy channel itself into him, before he spat on the ground, and put his shades back on.

"Dumbass. Don't you know that people die when they are killed? Tohsaka, take care of your servant."

Then Emiya Shirou threw down an explosion, and vanished in an explosion of light, so bright and vivid that it cut Rin's vision for a second. Then she snaps out of her reverie, and looks at Archer.

"Archer! Did you see how _cool _he wa-"

"Not this reality please dear _World_, please, _not this reality..."_

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><p><em>I have written the best thing ever. Nothing I ever write will surpass this.<em>


	2. FateShinji Swag

**Chapter 2. More crackfest. This time we have Shinji and his Swagtacular Self.**

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><p>As Shirou exploded into his house, he stopped to breathe, watching as the sparks dance from his lips while he did so. He clenched his hand, feeling powerless - like a racecar right before it explodes, unable to do anything to stop himself.<p>

Emiya Shirou was bored. When most people are bored, they masturbate or dick around until the boredom ends.

When Emiya Shirou is bored, he explodes.

Shirou let out an explosion of rage, punching a wall, not even noticing that the wall has burst into flames, and roars, "I'M SO BORED! ISN'T THERE ANYTHING THAT COULD EXPLODE HERE?"

"Bromiya, dawg."

Shirou turns. Standing in his doorway is Shinji, wearing a pair of BITCHIN SHADES HOLY FUCK HE LOOKS BADASS.

"Broji! Sup dude, how's it hanging!" They exchange a fistbump, and an explosion of bitches appears around them, willing to do anything for their attention. They ignore them, because two dudes as cool as these motherfuckers are used to bitches. They nod to each other, acknowledging the other person's SWAG(TM).

"Emiya my brother, you gotta get in on this fuckin' grail war shit. It's like, bitches everywhere man. _Everywhere_."

Shirou looks at Shinji with disbelief, an eyebrow raised, as a flag of your racial/idealogical preference explodes into existence behind him. "You're kidding me bro."

"Hell no bro! Sakura just summoned this fine-ass bitch, and she'll do _whatever I fuckin say. _Three times. Can you believe that shit! It's like off the hook dawg." Shinji nods dead serious, and then he begins to leave.

"Catch you on the flip side Shirbro, I've got some cup to win." Shinji turns around, and snaps his fingers. In a burst of explosions, he's on a horse, riding away.

Shirou shakes his head. "Man, that guy's got a lot of swag. Probably because of that holy grail thing, he was nowhere near that cool the last time I saw him."

FLASHBACK

_"Emiya! I will defeat you in a duel!" Shinji points at Shirou, who just sighs and puts on his shades._

_Shinji explodes._

_"CUUUURSE YOOOU EMMMIIIYYAAAAA"_

Shirou nods, and clenches his hand. "If I win this war, I'll be at **least** 20% cooler!" Shirou's coolness factored in at about 476.6%. By competing in the war, he'd probably beat about 480%. If he won he'd surpass **500% coolness**, which would make him the epitome of class.

Shirou prepares to summon something. Somehow.

With explosions.

He bursts into flame and reappears inside his shed, thinking for a second. Shirou, unfortunately, can only think in awesome. So he forgets to turn his swag off, and closes his eyes.

And he opens them, COVERED IN BITCHES.

Wait there is only one girl here

Shirou wonders if his Swagdometer is acting up. Maybe he wasn't using as much swag as he thought? Maybe his swag was going down?

"No! I refuse to accept that I'm anywhere _less_ fuckin' swag than I was twenty seconds ago!"

The girl blinks, confused. She shifts to the left and to the right awkwardly, unsure of what to say to the boy in front of her, bemoaning his lack of swag. She decides on the usual words, they always work.

"I ask of thee, are you my Master?"

Shirou suddenly snaps out of his swagluster position, and stands up. "Of course I am! I'm Emiya Shirou, the coolest guy in this room!"

Saber looks around. The shed is empty - apart from several burn marks surrounding the shed.

"Master, we are the only occupants of this shed."

Shirou falls to his knees, cursing his luck. "NO! I'M ONLY MORE SWAG THAN SOME GIRL! THIS IS TERRIBLE!" A flash of anger crosses Saber's face, than vanishes just as quickly. He couldn't be worse than her old Master right?

..._Right_?

She sighs. It was going to be a long war.

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><p><strong>Remember how I said last chapter would be the best thing I ever wrote?<strong>

**_I was wrong._**


End file.
